Yesterday I had a big tangi. Cried that I am separated from my children. I’d been hiding that mamae from myself for the last week. I’m away from my kids a lot, but to be forcibly separated from them – that’s a different thing. Then I thought of my little darling nephew who was born into a pandemic, I witnessed the crown of his head coming through into this world. Now I can’t see him either, can’t have the cuddles that I deserve. Sometimes, I wonder if he thinks, where’s that lady that’s been around everyday of my life for a week and now she’s just disappeared?
So my first few days has been a bit in denial. I felt myself becoming obsessed in the doing, rescuing others from their situation, trying to constantly find solutions. Not sleeping as well. Not eating as well either. Then through sheer tiredness – the big cry. I felt better after that tangi though. Something lifted as I shifted from denial of separation to acceptance. No doubt their will be more reasons to grieve as we progress through the weeks.
We all have these forced separations – from people who we love – people who are normally physically accessible to us. What do we need to learn from the discomfort, why does the world need to suffer? Why does the Universe need us to hurt? Some say we being punished by the Universe for being very bad children? I see things differently though, we are being protected, and protected in a big way.
Papatūānuku protecting us from hurting ourselves.
The genesis of suffering is to want to change how things are. Only through suffering can we change the trajectory of the world and have new growth. The feeling of my nephew being born, still sits clear in me. Me standing over my sister at the height of her pain, and my heart beating with joy in seeing the top of his head entering the world. She can’t see what I can see – that new life coming though. In that moment she is only experiencing the pain. In a similar way, we cant see the new life yet either, we are in the middle of pain.
Embrace the suffering. Have a big cry if you need to. New life is on its way.